Up Close and Personal
by fbn059
Summary: Souji is reluctant to go along with Yosuke's plan to pick up girls in Okina, but he can't say why. (Cross-posted from my AO3 account, under the same username.)


The summer heat in Okina beat down relentlessly on the pavement, burning on the back of Souji's neck as he played with the cat outside the cinema. He was supposed to be… trying to pick up girls, wasn't it? They were having a competition of some sort, to get a girl's number. Something like that. He hadn't been paying attention. He sighed; he'd wanted no part in this from the beginning, right from the moment Yosuke brought up the "up close and personal" idea to him. But he agreed to it anyway, against every better sense, against that voice in his head telling him he'll only regret it later on.

He stared down the sweltering walkway. Kanji had forgotten all about the "getting a girl's number" part of the competition and was trying, with the persuasion of a yakuza gang member, to convince the timid-looking girl to let him fix her sleeve. Yosuke was still working on the same girl; he was now offering her discounts on beef at Junes in exchange for her number. Souji shook his head, and continued stroking the cat's fur.

 _Be strong. Give up on it. Crush it. It's never going to work with him._ He took a deep breath and glanced over at Yosuke again. He saw that smile, and that wink, and just as he'd known it would, he felt his will crumbling.

It hurt. It hurt every time Yosuke tried flirting with a girl. It hurt every time Yosuke came to him, eyes gleaming with some ridiculous plan to get girls, every time Yosuke gushed about how cute Rise was, every time Yosuke shoved off one of his adult magazines on him with a wink and a mischievous grin.

It hurt like hell when all he wanted to do was tell Yosuke the truth, to tell him that he wasn't interested in girls, that he only went with every messed-up scheme Yosuke came up with to get them for his own selfish reasons. But he knew he just didn't have that kind of courage to come clean. He knew that he'd rather suffer in silence than never have Yosuke talk to him again.

'I'm pathetic.' he muttered to the cat as he scratched it under its chin. 'But what am I supposed to do? Ask Yosuke to go out with me after he's done raving about girls and boobs? Things don't work that way.'

The cat purred and rubbed its head against his hand. 'You know, I think… I'm fine with it. Just being friends with him—it's enough for me. I'll take what I can get, and it'll have to do. It's better this way.' He let out a mirthless laugh. 'Better than being called a faggot for the rest of my year here.'

He toyed with the idea of hitting on the somewhat attractive-looking policeman standing not far away, just so he can get a cell number and get things over with, but decided against it. _He'll probably think I'm some kind of rentboy and arrest me,_ he thought.

'Dude, you can pet that cat all day, but it won't have a cell number to give you.'

Souji looked up to see Yosuke standing over him, arms crossed and looking a little annoyed. 'Come on man, it's no fun if only Kanji and I are in this!'

'Sorry Yosuke, but I think I'm done. I give up.' He gave the little cat a last tickle round its ears and stood up, stretching.

'Seriously?! I thought you'll be the one to pull it off!' said Yosuke, surprised. 'I mean, you're tall and pretty good-looking. The total chick magnet type.'

Souji shook his head. 'I'm… not exactly a ladies' man. Go ahead, I'll wait over there for you guys.' He wished Yosuke wouldn't say things like that; he didn't like false hope.

'I guess not, huh? Don't worry man, I've got you covered. I'll be your wingman, and all you have to do is—'

'It's fine, Yosuke. Just… carry on with that girl. I think she's into you. Good luck.' He managed a watery smile, and gave Yosuke's shoulder a gentle push in encouragement. It was all he allowed himself; a simple smile, and a simple touch. The friendship meant too much to him.

And it started to hurt all over again as Yosuke smiled back and answered, 'Heh, thanks. I've got this one, just you watch!'

* * *

It was all over for Yosuke. He was duped, and the number he got was Hanako's.

Souji felt he could have sliced her to pieces without remorse for the way she broke Yosuke's scooter and jeered at him afterwards. But as Yosuke fell to his knees and wailed over his wrecked scooter, he couldn't help but feel relieved beyond measure. Yosuke was, for the moment, still single.

'Cheer up. It's not the end of the world,' he said, patting Yosuke on the shoulder.

'Screw you. It sure feels like it. That thing was brand new. You wouldn't believe how many extra shifts I had to pull at work for it. And that bitch had to just… Aargh! I can never catch a break dammit! How am I gonna get home now?'

'I could give you a ride home, Senpai,' said Kanji.

'On your bicycle? That'll never work! And it's illegal!' Yosuke snapped.

'Y'sure?' Kanji cocked an eyebrow at him. 'It's your last chance for a free ride. I need to go now, before it gets dark. Or my mom'll give me hell when I get home.' He smiled wryly as he wheeled his bike out.

'Yeah, I'm sure. I'll just take the train home.' Yosuke sighed in resignation.

'I'll see you to the station,' added Souji, before he could stop himself.

* * *

Yosuke was ranting again. 'Do I really turn girls off that much? Do I look gross or something? For two frikkin' hours I talked my mouth dry and all I got was Hanako's number, and only because that girl I was chatting up wanted to get rid of me!'

'Yosuke, just calm down. You're fine the way you are.'

'Dude, I know you're trying to make me feel better, but it's not helping. What would you know? You're not a girl. And more importantly, you're not a girl who wants to give me her number!'

'Yeah, that would make things a lot easier, wouldn't it.' Souji muttered under his breath.

'Huh? Did you say something?'

'No, nothing.' Souji paused for a beat, before continuing. 'If it makes you happy, I'll give you my number anytime.'

Yosuke laughed with a groan. 'That's a terrible joke. The worst I've heard from you so far. And I already have your number!'

Souji slowed his pace, hoping to make the moments last. Yosuke rambling and laughing away, an elbow on his shoulder. The street, bathed in shades of yellow and orange from the setting sun. The summer heat, making his head spin. He didn't want it to end.

 _It's enough. I'm happy with this. It's as good as it's gonna get._

'Y'know, when I first met you, I thought you were a bit… I dunno, cold? Standoffish, maybe.' said Yosuke as they meandered their way to the train station. 'But turns out you're a real stand up kinda guy. And you're a good friend.'

'Glad you think so.'

'Well, today was kinda an epic fail, but thanks for coming with me.'

'No problem.' Souji kept his eyes fixed firmly on the pavement, hoping that Yosuke wouldn't see the look on his face.

'But man, at this rate, I'll be single for the rest of the summer. Hell, maybe even the rest of my life. And I'll die alone in an apartment full of porn mags.'

'You won't be alone. I'll always be here for you,' said Souji quietly. He then started with a flinch; he didn't mean to let that slip.

Yosuke snickered. 'Heh, thanks. It's a really gay thing to say though.'

'Yeah, it is.' Souji tried to laugh with him, but what came out sounded more like an odd choking gurgle.

It caught Yosuke's attention, and he fixed Souji with a scrutinising stare. 'Dude, are you crying?'

'Huh?' Souji lifted a hand and touched his face. His cheek was wet, and his eyes were stinging. He hadn't even realised it. 'Uh, yeah, I think something got into my eye.'

'I'd buy that, if you didn't look like hell right now. What's going on with you? You've been in a bad mood ever since we came here.'

'It's just some… personal issues. Er, family stuff.'

Yosuke was silent for some moments. 'Hey man, if there's anything I can do…'

'No, nothing you can do. Sorry.'

'Uh, if you need to talk about it…'

'No, I can't talk about it either.'

Souji cursed at himself as they walked the rest of the way in awkward silence to the entrance of the train station. _I should've controlled myself. I should've just fucking let it go. I should've…_

'Well, see ya tomorrow,' Yosuke said, pausing at the entrance. 'Look, I know we haven't known each other for very long, and I don't really look like the reliable sort, but… I hope we can trust each other. We'll have to, if we're going to fight together and get to the bottom of all the shit that's been happening.'

Souji gave him a weary nod. 'Yeah, I know.'

'You can tell me anything. Even if you came up to me and said you belly-danced in your underwear every night, I won't judge.' There was that smile and wink again, and Souji's self-control shattered.

He began talking, erratically, painfully, as if the words were dragged out of his throat by force. He knew that it would only end badly, but he could no longer stop himself.

'There are some things I just can't tell you. I can't tell you that I'm gay. I can't tell you that I've been in love with you for two months, because I know it'll never work. I can't tell you how much it stings when you call me a friend, because I know that's all I'll ever be to you. I thought it was enough. As long as I could stay close to you, it was enough for me. _But it really isn't._ '

He felt breathless, and his chest hurt. He didn't expect the tirade to take so much out of him. He didn't dare look Yosuke in the eye; he was sure there would be nothing but horror and disgust in it. He braced himself for the rejection, and sure enough, he heard it—clear, brusque and sharp as a knife wound.

'I don't swing that way.'

'Of course you don't,' he said, in a broken whisper.

He gritted his teeth, concentrating. _Control it. Control it, you weak piece of shit. You're not going to break down here. Not in front of him._

When he spoke again, it was in his usual even monotone. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. Forget I said anything.'

'Souji, wait; I—'

' _Forget I said anything._ I mean it. It's better this way.'

'Just hold on for a sec—'

'And I'd really appreciate it if you could maybe… not mention this to anyone. I was outed, back at my old school. It… wasn't pleasant. I'd prefer not to go through that again.'

He waited as Yosuke squirmed, struggling to reply. 'I… I don't know what to say…'

'There's no need to say anything; I shouldn't have unloaded that on you in the first place. It's hardly the right time for it anyway. We've got work to do.' Souji's hollow smile was ghastly to see. 'Don't worry, I won't bring this up again.'

* * *

Yosuke didn't remember getting on the train. He didn't even remember letting himself into the house and slumping onto the bed in his room. As he lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, he realised most of what had happened that afternoon had slipped from his mind; his bad luck with the opposite sex, his impending lifelong bachelorhood, his broken scooter. All he could think of was how, for one brief moment, Souji opened his heart to him, before shutting him out again just as quickly. All he could see, as he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, were a hollow smile and a pair of miserable grey eyes.

He thought he'd be freaking out, sick at the thought of another guy hitting on him. But there was nothing but guilt. Guilt for turning Souji down the way he did. Guilt for never noticing what his closest friend was going through.

And he turned over on his stomach and buried his head in his pillow, feeling like the biggest scumbag in the world when he remembered that he never got a chance to apologise.

* * *

'Souji!'

He heard the familiar voice calling out his name behind him as he groggily made his way to school. He winced and swore under his breath; he had lain awake the whole night trying to get over his broken heart, and dealing with the guy who'd inadvertently done the breaking was the last thing he wanted to do this early in the morning. He steeled himself and looked over his shoulder to see Yosuke hurrying up to him.

''Morning.'

'Souji, about what happened yesterday…'

'It never happened,' said Souji flatly.

'Listen, there's something I need to say,' Yosuke persisted.

'What else is there to say?' replied Souji in a low voice. 'I confessed, and you turned it down. That's all. Can't we just leave it at that?'

'Well, when you put it like that…'

'If you're going to tell me that it's wrong, or that I'm sick for feeling this way, or that I disgust you, I'm sorry. But I've heard it all before, and I'd rather not hear it again.'

Yosuke grabbed his arm, dragging him off the path towards the riverbank, and away from the curious stares of their schoolmates. 'Would you please just shut up and listen, you ass? What kind of jerk do you think I am? All I wanted to say was… I'm sorry. I'm sorry I turned you down like that. I'm sorry that I just can't be with you that way. If things were different, if I uh, liked guys, then… I uh, would've said yes. I think,' he finished lamely. He was almost afraid he'd just gone and put his foot in his mouth again, when he heard Souji chuckling softly.

'Thank you. You really didn't have to say that, but thanks.' He smiled. 'And don't look so worried, I'm not gonna come on to you again. You're safe from me.'

Yosuke never thought he'd be so relieved to see a genuine smile on anyone's face. 'That—that's good to know. And you've got weird taste in guys, man. Why me? I'm a bit of a loser, if you haven't realised by now.'

Souji shook his head. 'You're not. You're a good friend, and you'll always be special to me.' He gave a quick smile, tousling the hair on Yosuke's head, before turning and trudging up the slope back to the path.

Yosuke followed close behind him, feeling strange. He could still feel Souji's touch lingering on his head, warm and gentle; a part of him wished that it would never fade. And as he stared at the back of the tall figure in front of him—a sight he'd seen so many times without a second thought—an unfamiliar, confusing emotion stirred in his heart for the first time. It disturbed him, and he tried to shut it out, to push it to the back of his mind. He didn't know why, but somehow, he had the sinking feeling that he'd just made a huge mistake.


End file.
